This christmas eve as I sat drinking a cup of tea and looking at my beautifully decorated christmas tree, I felt the urge to count the gifts wrapped underneath it. There were 36 in total, some for the children, some for family and there was even a couple for the dog. None were for me but for the first time in my life I was ok with that.
There will be gifts for me to open tomorrow from my sons and I’m grateful but on a deep conscious level, there is nothing I need. Following what has been the most emotionally challenging year of my life, I finally feel complete. I finally feel free of the longing for more that has always been a part of me. Of course on a physical level, a girl can never have too many shoes or enough handbags and the All Saints sale is definitely on my hit list for January but right now, on christmas eve with the fire lighting and the tree tinkling, I feel blessed.
Blessed that I can now desire more in my life but not need it. I can put out to the universe all the amazing things that I want to happen and know with a sense of ease that it will or it won’t and either is ok. Learning to let go of longing for what I believe will make me happy has been my biggest gift this year and becoming aware of my need to control my life situations has been another one.
Life will be what it’s supposed to be, whatever is meant to happen will happen and ironically when we let go of longing and control, we get more of what we want. We are mirrors, what we project reflects back to us. Longing means lack, when we come from place of lack, we attract more reasons to feel lack. The same applies with control, when we let go of what we can’t control, we gain more control of the things we can. It’s a paradox.
Understanding this completely and switching focus to the wonderful things I already have is my christmas miracle and by counting the gifts under the tree I was prompted to count my blessings and ask myself, how many gifts do I have already?
Three healthy sons is a wonderful gift. Great family and friends is another one. I wake up in a warm bed every morning and that’s a gift, I have a home, another gift. The water in my shower is hot, my children are not hungry, I have a car, I have central heating. There’s food in my fridge, I take a yoga class, I walk my dog in the woods and I can watch the sunrise if I want to and be thankful for every single blessing I already have. These are the true and most precious gifts in my life.
Being eternally grateful for what you already have and celebrating this beautiful, crazy, cosmic journey of life is your highest priority. None of us are getting out of it alive so the question is, do you limp to the finish line? Do you get there holding tight to control with longing still in your heart? Or do you throw caution to the wind, free-fall into the madness, take some risks, get bruised and battered along the way and turn up thinking that was one hell of a ride.
Until recently I’ve lived a life of longing and control and putting that in the past, finally letting go of it is truly my christmas miracle so this year take the time to look for yours. It’s everywhere if you choose to see it.
Happy Christmas to you all.